The Daily Stain

Best Regards!

I receive a heap load of emails every day at work with about two thirds requiring some sort of action or response. What I find strange with many emails is the closing line, "Best Regards".

What does that mean? BEST regards? Best REGARDS? What are you really trying to say?

When someone sends a Best Regards to me are they implying that at times I should be prepared to receive a less than Best Regards from them? Do they really have less Regard to give? Interestingly it seems as if everyone only have Best Regards to give. If that's the case why don't they just end emails with simply "Regards"? But to be honest I have received some "Regards" only email endings as well. But when only a "Regards" is given I start to develop a serious inferiority complex. "Am I lower on the totem pole to this person? What did I do to not receive a BEST regards from them? WHY DOESN'T THIS PERSON LIKE ME? I MUST BE A TERRIBLE PERSON!

But I do retaliate to that low grade "Regard". My reply is always just a simple "Thank You" ending and as I hit the send button I telepathically push out "that'll teach you to not send your Best Regards to me you sasinfrasinfrusinmus!! karma along with it!

And what about "Kind Regards"...I'm not going to dig too deep into this one because most of the same issues come to mind. But if I ever get an email ending in "Unkind Regards" or an "I Hate You Regards", I'm calling the police and men in white coats on that person.

And just what qualifies as a Best Regard to offer up to another? Has anyone ever measured or quantified a Regard? Do we ever really know if we're sending our very best Regard to someone? You might think you're sending one of your Best Regards when in fact you have only been given the capability to send "Good" or perhaps "Better" Regard, tops, without ever knowing the difference. You'll probably only find this out while at the pearly gates of heaven, St. Peter informs you that God only gave you the ability to send low to medium grade Regards all of your email life. He'll probably tell you that only the likes of Donald Trump were ever able to truly provide the highest grade of Best Regards or perhaps even "The Most Fantastic Regards" to anyone. Or Martha Stewart was given the right to send a tier 1 "Most Scrumptious Regards". Now that would be enough to make me want to choke myself on a dirty doily.

And what about "Regards"? This is one of those out there, grey area words to me. One of the definitions of "regards" is to "judge someone or some thing" or "to have concern for someone". So if I'm given a "Best Regards" is the sender really saying "watch out because I'm judging you the best that I can mister "Email Almighty"? or, "Hey, dude, this is about all of the concern I can possibly muster up for you. So take it or leave it"? If that's the case, I'd rather see emails end in just a "Best" and end it there.

So, the next time you end an email or letter with "Best Regards", maybe think twice about it. What are you really trying to convey to this person? Do you really want to hand out so many of your hard earned Best Regards? I say reign it in a little. Mix it up. Try giving someone a "Mediocre Regards" or "Best Re.....Sincerely Yours" and see how it impacts your relationship.

All My Best to You and Yours! (Now that's a topic for whole 'nother Blog!)

Guts86

The Daily Stain

iSniglets

iNads:
The vision portrayed when two iPod headphone earbuds inadvertently hang out of a person's front pocket of their jeans. Otherwise known as Podsticles.

iHole:
Any person listening to an iPod who interacts with a non iPod listener and acts as if one of the two is invisible to the other. An airplane passenger who refuses to turn their iPod off prior to take off or landing

iDiot:
Nuff said.

Podcastration:
The sense of being cut off of your sole source of entertainment when you forget to bring your iPod with you for the day.

Podectomy:
Having your iPod stolen or taken away from you.

iZheimer's:
Behaving completely and utterly oblivious to one's surroundings while listening to an iPod. Symptoms are farting and burping in public places, cutting to the front of a long line of people at the movie theaters, leaving cash in the ATM dispenser, handing your New Jersey Devils tickets to a police offer when simply asked for license and registration and walking off with all three copies of a restaurant credit card receipt.

Downloafer:
iDiots who spend every waking moment downloading anything and everything possible onto their iPod. "I called Jeff to see if he wanted to go to the movies but all he wants to do is download free music. What a freeking Downloafer he is"

PeePod:
An iPod user in a bathroom. Also referred to as going to the Poddy.

PeaPodders:
Two iPod users sharing one iPod.

i-coli:
Germs or viruses caught by handling an iPod directly from a PeePodder.

The Daily Stain

Well, July 4th came and went but I'm still dealing with it. It was a rainy day, our traditional July 4th party at our friend's house relegated us to the garage. It always reminds me of my father in law who always held his barbeque's in his garage...we call it the barbecue on the oil spot because we all sat in the garage on lawn chairs with the oil spot on the floor from a leaky car in the middle of the circle of chairs. Now that's America!!

But I digress. Seems one of our friends had a brilliant idea to run out and grab a couple dozen or three White Castles. I guess he thought it would brighten up the otherwise dreary day we were dealing with in the oil spot...I mean garage.

I think I ate about four and a half White Castle Rectum Rockets as we fondly refer to them. (My youngest couldn't finish hers so I naturally took the rest and woofed it down in one bite). Even though I was stuffed, I could have eaten more but they all were eaten within minutes of arriving. Probably best that they were!!

I have a love hate relationship with White Castles. I love to eat them, that's for sure. I'd love to know what the mystery meat really is, that's for sure. And I'd love to know what in the hell the tasteless, odorless and seemingly invisible sauce is that they put on a burger that gives my innards a mind of its own.

Every time after eating Colon Castles my stomach will make noises that no other food can make it do and I'm convinced it's that covertly added secret sauce on those square fartferters. Even my dog sits up and looks at me with a cocked head in wonderment of just what is coming out of a place on my body that doesn't have a hole that he can sniff (belly button isn't an official hole). One would think that the noises would eventually end up with a good fart. Not so. Seems like the Gullet Grouches like to play a trick on me. The noises are nothing more than a tease of what's to come the next day.

So, on Thursday, the hate part of the Butt Bomb relationship begins. I went to work and immediately upon arriving the games began. I think if it were a real party the song "Let's get this flatuation party started" would have been the theme song aux morning. I must have had six false alarms, six "this is no drill" events and a couple of what seemed to be false alarms that ended up being the real deal in the men's room. And if you haven't learned this one single Murphy's Law by now, listen up...If you choose to fart in your office, you are guaranteed that someone is on their way to see you within the next seven seconds. Just enough time for hang time to waff out wall to wall. So, think twice before farting in your office. I was exhausted at the end of the day. I had to go home and take a long shower, where I sat in a fetal position and cried about the horrible things that were happening to me throughout the day while the remnants of the Burger Bombs washed down the shower drain.

I can't wait for the next round of White Castles!! YUM!!